Warning may be triggering
Things have got better since my last blog although it has taken a while.
I did have to go to see a doctor. My nursing friend dresses my arm for me when things are bad and I accept that I am not the best person to be objective enough to look after my burns. She was horrified when she saw my arm at the beginning of last week and made me promise to visit my doctor. I really didn’t want to, but the deal is that if she feels that I need medical attention I must go to the doctors. Things are complicated as my GPs are also my professional colleagues at work and I’m so ashamed of my behaviour. The doctor that I could get an appointment with quickly is a locum and I’ve worked closely with him for the past 4 months and he knows nothing of my past. I think he may have been as horrified to see me as I was to be consulting him. I started by saying how embarrassed I was to have to see him and he immediately said that nothing I said would be passed on and that we could still be friends in the workplace whatever I said to him at the surgery. Through tears I was able to explain a little of the past and my self- harm and after some time asked to see my arm. To my horror he said that he thought I should be hospitalised for intravenous antibiotics. I’m so ashamed of my behaviour that the thought of having to be admitted to my own hospital was awful. We eventually compromised with strong oral antibiotics and a further appointment with him 3 days later to check on progress. When I did see him again the inflammation had reduced and the whole area was much more comfortable. I do however need another week of antibiotics. I feel so silly – the need to self- harm is so difficult to understand, even for me.
Just today I have begun to feel better and can see that wee light at the end of the tunnel. I so hope that I can feel like this for the next wee while. I’ve an appointment with my psychologist on Tuesday  and I really want to be talking about the whole episode in the past tense. I’ll let you know how I get on.