*Warning – may be triggering*
Depression can certainly lead you through a lot of peaks and troughs.
A couple of weeks ago I had a session of EMDR (see previous blog). It was so terribly difficult as I had to think of memories that can be really harrowing, and hang on to them through each bout of EMDR in the hope that the flashback can be processed into some thought that is safer. Just re read that last sentence, and don’t even know what I mean myself! Suffice to say that although I was really weepy both during and after the session- and had a really bad headache – I feel that the thoughts of that particular flashback is less scary than it was. I had an appointment with my psychologist about 10 days ago and felt really well and was delighted to be able to say to her that I felt so much better. We made an appointment for a few weeks’ time and I headed off to see my parents.
I have many reasons for not wanting to visit my home village, but I do need to see my parents to help out a bit, and also it is good to catch up with friends and relations. I met with my closest friend on Saturday and had lunch (and a few glasses of wine!)my brother and his partner on Sunday, my cousin on Monday and niece on Tuesday before heading back home yesterday. It was lovely to see everyone, but I find it so stressful trying to be ‘nice’ all the time. That looks so selfish when I see it written down!
Then I had another horrible flashback and once again feel mood take a big dip and I feel like a child with real fear all over again. I have had so much help and support and I know that I should really be able to cope with these flashbacks now. I know that I was ‘triggered’ anyway as I was back close to where the cause for my depression and PTSD happened. I was abused by a neighbour for 4 years from when I was 11. He has recently moved from the area and I thought that I would be so much happier going to my parents and feeling safe as he was no longer there, but somehow that didn’t happen. That then led to me being so annoyed and ashamed of myself for not being able to deal with things the way that I would like to. Actually what I mean is that I burned myself again. I have been so proud of not hurting myself for a few months during a good spell, and so ashamed for falling straight back into the ‘easy’ solution of self-harm and alcohol last month, then getting myself straightened out again, and now being back to where I was. The burns are bad enough to have to be dressed by a nursing colleague who knows something of what I’m going through and it makes me so ashamed when she sees what I’ve done to myself. I just really hope that I can manage without having to confess to my GP and have to go on antibiotics.
I am still on holiday from work until next Tuesday so I hope that I might manage to try to get back to the straight and narrow before that – I’m already dreading my colleagues seeing the new scaring that I’ve created. On a positive note, I hope that the weather will be good enough for me to do a bit of gardening as I do find that hard physical work helps me cope by distracting me a bit from my thoughts. I know I should also get back in contact with my psychologist and tell her that I’m struggling but sometime pride just gets in the way.