Valerie's Diary

Warning may be triggering

Things have got better since my last blog although it has taken a while.

*Warning – may be triggering*

Depression can certainly lead you through a lot of peaks and troughs.

Valerie 18/03/12
 

Warning - may be triggering

I’m sorry that there has been so long since my last blog. Life has been strange! I had a good Christmas despite all my reservations and things seemed to be going really well. I was so proud of the fact that although I’d had some times that would have driven me to self-harm in the past I was able to cope. Which makes the sudden downward plunge in mood all the more difficult to cope with?

I can’t believe that it has been so long since I last blogged. I was just reading back over my last piece which brought back the hard time that I’d been having at work. That is mostly sorted now and the last few weeks at work have been better and I’m receiving more support.

Have been having computer problems and have been without my desk top for 3 weeks now. I have really been missing my emails and surfing and shopping! It's incredible how relient that I have become. Thankfully my brother has lent me his old laptop so at least i've been able to get shopping again. You may have to excuse some typos and poor spelling tho as have no spellcheck!

I’m on leave this week, but have been back to work for 5 weeks now. Things going well really, but I find that I’m still really sensitive and I feel slow,  and worry about my concentration.

Folk have generally been supportive but a throwaway comment can leave me to ruminate for ages. One of my colleagues said on my second day back ‘do you not think everyone has down days?’. Well, yes I do but don’t consider being off for 365 days can constitute a ‘down day’. What do you say to these folk – ‘well mine was worse than yours’?

I’ve been back at work now for 3 weeks and so far things have gone well. I’m on a phased return – thank goodness, as I’ve been really tired. In fact, I can’t believe how tired I am! I don’t have the sort of depression that makes you unable to do anything. I am always on the go but seem to achieve really little despite that. This week I have 2 full days at work but have already noticed the familiar feeling of not being able to keep on top of things.

***Trigger warning this post contains mentions of abuse, suicidal feelings and self-harm***

It’s taken me a while to write about this as I got upset each time I thought of it. There was nothing major that had happened, and I realise how ridiculous that this sounds, but I think the whole thing was triggered by a huge spider in my house. I have been afraid of spiders for many years now, but it has only been recently that I have connected it to issues from my past.

I have never been interested in even thinking about taking part in any sort of group therapy. It really just is not my scene – the thought of opening up to a group of strangers left me cold. However, a friend of mine who has struggled for years with alcohol and who had attended AA on some occasions, took a turn for the worse, drinking heavily during December of last year. She was lucky enough to have a very supportive husband and also fortunately was able to afford some private care and in a moment of sobriety agreed to go into The Priory where she stayed for a month. It quickly became clear that she embraced their ‘treatment’ which included attending AA and this time she really felt that it was making a difference. She said on several occasions that she wished that there was something similar for me – I remember thinking no way!

Some weeks later, my psychologist mentioned a group for people who had been affected by issues of the past like me, that was to run for 10 weeks. She was to one of the facilitators. I know I would not have gone if she wasn’t going to be there and if I’d not been so impressed by my alcoholic friend’s take on being in a group. With great trepidation I went along. We were to be a group of 6 with 2 facilitators and participants could drop out, but there would be no new members over the 10 weeks.