Amanda's Diary

Welcome to Amanda's Life.
 
To read the full entry, click on the title of each entry. You can also comment on what Amanda has to say. You need to login to comment and please note that comments are moderated first.

Saturday... sigh

Submitted by manda on

The weekend confuses me.

I used to hate it with a vengeance. I couldn't stand it. During the week I had the routine of work. At the weekend there was nothing. What was even harder was that there was no professional support around if I needed it.

What has been good recently is that I have found myself looking forward to the weekend. Even if I had nothing planned. Just to have some time to myself.

But I know that part of it is looking forward to the weekend to escape into myself. To not just have a break from work but I find myself thinking 'well, I need to just make it to the weekend and then I can curl up and hide away from everything'.

Most of the time I resist it when I do get to the weekend, but sometimes that feeling just gets to much and I do give in to it. And then I get angry with me. And then I feel more shit. One big vicious circle.

So it's a Saturday again. I just want to curl up and not exist for a couple of days. But I am moving home next weekend - from a flat to just a room - and my flat is currently in chaos. I will be working all week so I really need to use this weekend to get stuff done. I need to use every thing I have to tackle it.

I also know that I need to contact BT, the council re council tax, etc etc. There is so much that needs done and I don't know where to start. I will let you know how I get on. It feels like too much of a challenge right now but all I can do is try.

Well here goes....

Submitted by manda on

It's been a few weeks since the lovely Catherine from Action on Depression set up this blog for me. And it's taking me a few weeks to get to this point. Which I'm sure that most people who know me in real life or interact with me online would probably be very surprised by!

I talk a lot - both online and offline. I blog a lot, on my main blog, which is mental health related. But it is a more general mental health blog - even if my own experiences which gives me the background for it - but this is personal and that is more difficult.

People who know in me real life in particular probably know me as a bubbly chatting girl, and have little idea of what lies behind that. How much I struggle. How worthless I feel behind it all. How alone I feel. How scared I feel. How difficult even the smallest thins are. How much emotional pain I live in each and every day.

Oh I probably sound like such a drama queen, but it's the truth. I just hide it well.

I have been through a really difficult couple of years with my mental health. I have hit rock bottom. I have spent a long time severely suicidal. I have overdosed a lot, self-harmed, been to psychiatric hospital - the lot.

I've been through all that and I still live each day with a mental health problem and because I'm not like I used to be I guess that many thing I'm fine now. I'm far from it. I cope better. I don't believe I will get that bad again. But things are far from well.

One issue perhaps is that because I spent all that time really unwell - because I spent so long so suicidal, I tend to think that what I live with now isn't a big deal because after all, I'm not like I used to be. That is good, yes, but what I live with now is a big deal and I want things to get a lot better.

I want there to be more to life than this. I want there to be more to ME than this.

I don't know if that even explained anything. I told very little about my background, little about how I am now, but I guess it's a start.

This won't be a blog where I moan or where I vent. But it will be a place where I express me, the real me, my personal space. It will express what reality is for me, the good and the bad :)

For now, thanks for reading, take care and I'll talk to you soon :)

Subscribe to RSS - Amanda's Diary