Warning - may be triggering
I’m sorry that there has been so long since my last blog. Life has been strange! I had a good Christmas despite all my reservations and things seemed to be going really well. I was so proud of the fact that although I’d had some times that would have driven me to self-harm in the past I was able to cope. Which makes the sudden downward plunge in mood all the more difficult to cope with?
There were a variety of things that seemed to happen all at once, or at least over a relatively short time. As you may know, I am a nurse which means working shifts. Since my return to work in September after a year off, I have been working only early shifts on the advice from my supportive occupational health doctor. This is because I find evenings really difficult and I am far more able to concentrate in the morning and early afternoon. Unfortunately, most of my nursing colleagues prefer to work on an early shift too and don’t like the late shift. Of course I have not been doing my share. I over reacted to a comment made by a colleague that I can see now was absolutely not pointed at me. So I tried to alter my medication so it would allow me to be more able to work the late shift. It was an absolute disaster – I really wasn’t aware how much I depended on taking the medication at the same time every day.
My parents had come to stay and I do find dad’s increasingly worsening dementia difficult to cope with. The day to day problems are fine – no idea where he is or what time it is leading him to get up and dressed in the middle of the night etc. as I I feel sorry for him and appreciate how difficult must be never knowing or understanding what is happening next. I am really distressed by his anger at mum mostly, but at me too. His anger and intolerance is horrible at her at times looks at mum with real hate when she is trying to help and advise him. I get cross and it is pointless – at the time he doesn’t know what he is doing and saying and afterwards when he has calmed down he has no recollection of what he has said or done. I think I make things worse for mum too, as she gets worried when she sees how upset I become.
I’ve also had another flashback from the past – I apparently have post-traumatic stress disorder- and am really upset about that. I had gone from seeing psychologist and CPN on alternate weeks, to being able to go for 4 weeks without seeing either of them. I had been told by them both to get back in contact with either of them if life got difficult for me before my next appointment with them, but of course although that sounds easy to do, it seems impossible to do it when I’m low.
To my shame and horror I started self-harming again. I had really hoped that it was in the past and have been able to get through some days when I’d been lower without resorting to it. I was so pleased if for no other reason that, as I have to get changed with others at work there was no new dressings to make my distress obvious to them. Then I accidently burned my wrist on a hot soup pan. For some reason this gave me ‘permission’ to burn myself in the same place as the burn was dressed anyway. How silly. I now have a large area on my wrist that has obviously been from a burn on more than one occasion.
So now I feel annoyed, ashamed and sad for myself.
Ho hum – the life of someone suffering from depression.
Warning - may be triggering